in reading back my previous post, it seems like i was throwing myself a pity party of sort. and, you know what, that might be part of the whole picture, but what i really think i need, especially, as a fresh start, is to break out of my mold.
i’m tired of not being “needed” and by THAT, i mean i’m tired of not having a real job. i want to do something that i actually have a passion for—something i actually enjoy doing. somewhere where i am actually counted upon to do things others can’t. i’m tired of of my current j.o.b. (journey of the broke). i want to commit to:
- stepping out of my safe little shelter
- try and break a pattern and
- open myself up to new possibilities
my geographic location has been limiting in so many respects. i hate to make excuses, but after such an extended time period with no movement, i think it’s time to take a stab at a new place and throw a prayer up in hopes that maybe stepping outside of the box for a bit will open some new doors.
happy new years, everyone! be excellent to each other!
a new year means new resolutions. last year, i found myself having the time of my life in new york city, partying it up with my cousin in the MTV studios.
flash forward: one year later. today, i find myself struggling to find plans. this only makes me come to a conclusion i have come to at several points in my life. you sometimes think you have a lot of friends…and that may be true. but it’s rare that you find those true friends that really stick with you throughout it all. the ones that, when you’re in their company or in their geographic vicinity, you know you can count on them— there’s this sort of guarantee that they will be there to share the most memorable moments of the year with, all holidays included. i’m not saying this is a 100% sort of thing, but it speaks to this notion of never having to worry about what you’re doing for a particular holiday or special event. things will pan out.
i can’t say that i have always found that to be true while here in Fresno. i have made a ton of new friends since coming back into town - tons. BUT, they’re not necessarily the ones that always call you or always make sure you’re coming out with them. that’s not to say they’re not true and great friends — far from it. But, I miss that feeling, i think. that feeling of being certain that something is going to pan out.
today, sitting by myself, watching a football game, i came to the conclusion that i don’t have any real ties to the place in which i currently reside. i’m not an integral part of anything, here. i’m not “needed” so to speak. this can be taken in one of two ways: 1) kinda depressing and 2) i have all the freedom in the world. for me, it was a little bit of both.
i don’t think i’ve missed southern california that much in the lengthy period of time i have been back at home, in Fresno (i know it seems laughable to treat it as a “visit”)— not since i initially moved back have i felt the way that i do—that i need something new. i’ve tried to carve out a niche, here, and i think i’ve done a really good job of that, finding a home, once again, amongst new friends in a familiar place.
still—i find myself, more and more, thinking that i’m more like that extra piece of the disassembled bicycle that you get on Christmas morning. you end up with a completed, fully functional bicycle, and this one extra piece that SHOULD be in there somewhere, but isn’t— and, yet, that bicycle seems to run just fine.
sometimes, you’re just that extra piece.
you know you’re fat when you look fatter than “young John Belushi” —this is me with comedian, Sandy Danto (@SandyDanto), at Starline.
